Dark Tower: Zoltan Convinced Beans the Magical Fruit


Mohaine Desert Outskirts, Thursday – Local raven, Zoltan, is convinced that beans are indeed the magical fruit.

“Tain’t so!” says Brown, local farmer.

Sources close to the matter have suggested that beans are legumes, a classification all their own.

“They’re in the flowering plant family,” Brown reportedly said. “They’re called Fabacae – AKA Leguminosae – AKA legumes – AKA I’m right, you’re wrong, I’m big, you’re small, you’re dumb, a dumbass dumb ole bird.”

Zoltan has been spreading disinformation all across the Mohaine Desert, and local grains of sand and tufts of dead grass have fallen victim to the strain of ignorance.

“Them sand is all goin’ cucoo without anybody to talk to but a black bird,” says Brown. “It’s all, ‘hey sand, I’m sand, how are you, oh I’m fine, read any good books lately, no I haven’t because there aren’t any books, and everybody’s dead, but luckily there’s a big old bird spreading disinformation.'”

But the lack of people living near Brown’s hut doesn’t stop him from getting mad about it.

“Only thing I’m sore about is my chewy ass corn cobs,” he says. “But people should know, beans is a completely different classification from fruit. And they’re full of phytonutrients, protein, potassium, folate, and iron.”

He scratches.

“But nobody seems to know that. It’s like we’re these characters in a book, and the writer didn’t know what the hell beans were.”

He sighs.

“I don’t know. I’m not the philosophical type.”

Brown was last seen terrorizing Zoltan with a whopping fart.

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