Randall Flagg Unsure Who He Is

“Thought I was Walter. But then I stopped calling myself that,” says Walter o’Dim, sneaky antagonist and purveyor of peanut butter breath, as well as the fall of the fabled Dark Tower.

Peanut butter is made from peanuts.

“I distinctly remember crashing on Marten’s couch. We used to crank call this pizza place in 1950s white America. It was really funny,” Walter chortles. “I came up with Seymour Butts. I was the original. Didja know I was the first one? No one wants to give me credit for Seymour Butts.” Walter looks ruefully away.

“This other time, we found this one reality in 2016 and got this fat nimrod elected. What the fuck was his name? Donald Trump. Yeah, that bozo. There really are an infinite number of universes.”

“Wish I had jelly,” he says. “Got any water bro?”

I don’t.

Jelly is not water.

He licks his teeth.

“So Marten and me were like this,” Walter says, crossing his fingers. “And then we were, like, the same person, in my mind. It was weird. Like from the movie Fight Club. Was I imagining Marten the whole time?

“Same thing happened with that Flagg guy. We used to time-surf, too, although we weren’t able to pull off anything as hilarious as that Trump shit. With Flagg, it was mostly just voyeuristic stuff. He was honestly kind of a weird guy. I wound up ghosting him for a little while. Then I had this, like, personality crisis. I was Flagg, too, I think.”

We reached out to the fictitious version of Stephen King to find out why he hadn’t lobotomized the antagonist in question, but Mr. King was unavailable for comment.

Walter O’Dim was last seen licking peanut butter from the roof of his mouth.


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