The Rezort (2016): So Bad It’s Good
Good day to all of you zombie fiends out there, and welcome to my international horror films project. So far, I’ve watched horror movies on Netflix from Canada, Thailand, Indonesia, and Australia. Today, I add British horror to my lineup.
Here are some overall points in 2016’s The Rezort:
Overall Vibe: So bad it’s good.
Action: Yes! Very exciting. Awesome possum.
Gore: Very hit or miss. Check out this dope (left) with ketchup all over his face.
Zombie Makeup: Yes
Story: Total rip-off
Characters: Veritable cast of Bozos, especially Jack
Zombie Type: Walkers, for the most part, but they are able to run and sprint when they need to (terrifying!).
Zombies in this world are also intelligent. Well, at least a little. For example, we know they can recognize humans who have tortured them.
Here’s the deal about this movie: it’s Jurassic Park, but zombies instead of dinosaurs. You read that right. It’s zombie Jurassic Park. I don’t know who got drunk at a British Pub and came up with this gem. But whoever he or she was deserves a hearty cheers. Because as predictable the story is, as grating as the characters are, I didn’t even care. The Rezort was so fun to watch. It was so dumb, but so entertaining. And what would the horror genre be without movies like these?
Jurassic Park, but zombies instead of dinosaurs. Next, maybe they’ll do Jurassic Park but it’s gun-toting Texans being held prisoner in an alien zoo. Everything is fine until they all break out and get into the armory and start blasting the aliens to jelly with their own turbocharged plasma rifles.
What? Jurassic Park is a genre now.
Alright, I’ll take my tongue out of my cheek.
OK so let’s start with the premise:
There was a zombie outbreak a few years back.
2 billion people died.
The humans won, but they kept zombies alive in only one place on Earth: Jurassic Park. I mean it’s called “The Rezort,” but come on. Located off the coast of northeast Africa near Morocco, the Rezort is “an island where guests can pay to shoot the undead.”
OK so it’s not exactly Jurassic Park. It’s like if you could do a dinosaur shooting safari. Honestly I’m surprised they never did that. Big game hunters will shoot anything in the face. I hear it makes their underwear feel just right.
So, an island full of zombies begs the question: What could possibly go wrong?
Opening scene: zombies are running amok.
Then, 3 words flash: “10 days earlier.” You know what that means.
Oh my god I’m getting Zombie Jurassic Park! YES! This is how the outbreak happens!
Two Drooling, Annoying, Idiot Morons
Soon you’re introduced to the two most annoying kids in the entire world. I swear to god their acting style was inspired by the space pirate crew from Guardians of the Galaxy (of course, it worked in Guardians of the Galaxy because they weren’t main characters):
Other Similarities to Jurassic Park
In both movies, a hacker breaks into the theme park’s computer system and ends up disabling the safety feature which keeps the monsters safely inside of their electric fences…
…only to die at the hands of the freed monsters.
Fun fact, you can get a picture of the Jurassic Park version of this by Googling “Jurassic Park Newman.” 90s kids will get the reference.
Rezort even has Jurassic Park style Jeeps! Check this action out:
And: instead of Sammy J telling you to “hold on to your butts,” there’s this frightened Indian/Pakistani looking guy!
So, monster on display behind electric fence? Check.
Hacker shuts down fence? Check.
Security engineer fails to reset the charge? Check.
Oh yeah, and there are locking mechanisms on the doors all over the island which are operated by wifi. And those doors open, too. Smart. Got it.
OK so you know what’s coming: the zombies escape and all hell breaks loose.
The cameras followed and panned and shook, with the shots cutting from murder to massacre, capturing the panic and pandemonium. My personal favorite of these NPC deaths was when one of the zombies, having ripped out a chunk of flesh from a terrified person’s neck, shook his head back and forth with the chunk between his teeth like a dog with a chew toy.
Aftermath of the Outbreak
“Probably some hacker shit. Internet, innit.”Jack
OK so next morning they need to get to the communications array and then the dock to catch the escape boat before they level the entire island to prevent the spread of infection. And Jack comes dangerously close to figuring out how all this zombie madness started:
By the way, Jack’s buddy died off last night. He was the first one to go (cheers to director Steve Barker for the black guy dying first meme). But when that happened, I started getting worried Jack was gonna live through the whole goddamn movie to be an eventual survivor.
I really hate this stupid kid. Why won’t he die?
Jack was saved from the zombies twice. And the second time, the girl who saved his stupid ass died doing it!
That was it. I knew it. I was just going to have to live with the fact that this asshole was going to live through the whole goddamn movie.
That’s okay. Honestly. I didn’t mind. She was kind of trash too.
Well, I figured with a sigh, that was it. But just when I decided Jack was probably going to live forever, suddenly a random zombie popped down through the ceiling and bit right into Jack.
Can’t Have a Zombie Movie Without…
Hey, you know that trope where the protagonist dies heroically to save the others, who get to live on? Well guess what!? Our battle hardened hero martyrs himself for no reason.
He was supposed to hold the door against the zombies while the others got away. You know the trope. Then his friends got away, and he could have gotten away too. But for no reason at all he just was like “OK I’m gonna be a tragic hero now and walk right into the horde.”
There was no reason for him to do that. It’s basically the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen.
That was supposed to be the “tragic hero moment” but I just laughed out loud. The zombie virus might be contagious but let’s hope stupidity isn’t.
The Rezort Ending
And then it’s the girl all alone. She’s the last person left and there’s just a few mins before the bomb comes down on her.
The bomb is called BRIMSTONE PROTOCOL. Did I not mention this? They’re going to carpet bomb the island before the zombies can escape. That’s why everyone is heading to the dock.
As for the ending? Of course she didn’t die. Melanie Gibbs made it off the island, the sole survivor. So cliche.
And then there was a really cool twist at the end! The guy who you thought died was really alive, but then that scene from the opening, the chaos that you forgot about over the course of the movie, suddenly you see an army of zombies marching up the beach from the ocean.
Yeah, that’s right! Those suckers don’t need to breathe underwater.
It was a legitimately good ending. Too bad the rest of the movie sucked!
No, I’m just kidding, it was watchable. Very watchable. I had a lot of fun writing this review because of how much I enjoyed that stupid zombie movie, The Rezort.
In closing, I have a suggestion for a drinking game: every time you see something that’s a ripoff of Jurassic Park, take a shot. I guarantee you’re gonna be twisted before the movie is even half over.